So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
