soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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