how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
