Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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