i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
false alarm. still invincible.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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