it's too hot outside to masturbate.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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