i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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