she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
