Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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