he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
