yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
