Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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