how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
