i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I could make wine with my vomit
i just sent this text using only my big toe
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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