My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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