i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
