mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I need water and some morals
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
