video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
