Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
