Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
