you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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