new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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