I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
