Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dicks are not precious.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
