I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
