I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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