While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
