I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
