Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
