the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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