after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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