I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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