I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I have post one night stand depression
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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