Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.