I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."