In America we eat man semen.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...