my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.