I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.