I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.