His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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