I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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