I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
