she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I could have mohawked her pubes.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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