did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
4 words: hood of his car
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
