I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
