hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
