life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
nutella sex= disaster
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
