If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I love you.
Bad choice
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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