I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
