Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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