How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
