yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
whose ass print is on the piano?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
