oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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