I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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