I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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