I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
