I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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