I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
