They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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