Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
