mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
