I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
He better not be in your backpack
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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